


All You Need is Love

by elphaba_swan



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies), The Lonely Island (Band)
Genre: Dancing and Singing, F/F, F/M, Gen, Swearing, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 21:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17795507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphaba_swan/pseuds/elphaba_swan
Summary: Uma isn't a fan of Valentine's Day, but Harry convinces her to give it a shot.





	All You Need is Love

**Author's Note:**

> The song credit goes to Lonely Island, definitely check them out if you haven't heard of them.

Uma hates Valentine's Day.

As far as she's concerned, it's a holiday created by an unholy alliance between greeting card and candy companies in order to sell candy and cards to a public filled with lemmings who believe in the myth of 'love’.

Yet, even the love-hating Isle of the Lost is not immune to Valentine's Day.

Barges filled with half-eaten candy boxes and other heart-shaped crap inevitably make their way to the Isle, and while fighting for the candy is fun, seeing all the nauseatingly sentimental messages on the Valentines makes her uncomfortable. Why do the Auradonians feel the need to express their emotions in such an obvious and flowery way? Don't they realize that they just look embarrassing?

Every year, she and Harry take extreme pleasure in scribbling in rude and obscene messages over the love poems and love songs on the Valentines.

But now they actually live in Auradon.

When Uma descends the stairs for breakfast, everyone is dressed in blinding shades of pink and red, and all around is the scent of flowers. All around her, boys and girls alike are clutching bouquets of roses and carnations, teddy bears sitting in their laps. At the head of the room, a choir of Cupids are singing to a doe-eyed crowd.

Uma rolls her eyes and shoves her way past a couple that seems glued to the lips, but when she gets to her table, she sees that even the waffles and pancakes are heart-shaped.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She complains, reaching for a plate of sausages and scowling when she realizes that they're shaped like hearts as well.

"What's wrong, cuz?" Jonas grins at her, pouring pink-colored maple syrup on his waffles. "Not feeling the Valentine's Day spirit?"

"Hardly," Uma scoffs, frowning down at the mini pink marshmallows in her hot chocolate. "You know I think it's all stupid."

"Come on Captain, don't be hating on love!" Marya teases. Tucked behind her ear is a beautiful long-stemmed maroon rose that clashes with her flame-red hair, courtesy of Desiree. "Lighten up, Uma, it's not that deep - Ashe, don't you think she needs to lighten up?"

"What?" Ashe asks distractedly, not taking her eyes off of a certain brunette princess. "Oh yeah, totally." She watches with anticipation as Audrey takes a heart-shaped box from the pile from her admirers and opens it. As she looks inside, her eyes widen and she lets out an ear-piercing shriek that makes everyone turn to stare at her and Ashe snicker into her hand.

"What's her problem?" Uma asks, raising an eyebrow at her roommate.

Sierra looks up and blanches. "I don't know, but I think we're going to find out."

Audrey storms over to the table, holding the box like a knife. "May I speak to you in private?" She asks Ashe through gritted teeth, the whole table watching her fearfully.

(You wouldn't think someone dressed in a pink lace dress and strappy sandals would be so intimidating, but everyone had seen Audrey during cheer practice. She didn't screw around.)

Ashe looks absolutely delighted by this turn of events. "Princess, I would  _ love _ to chat with you," she purrs, getting up from the table. As they walk away, the sound of Audrey berating Ashe about 'proper Valentine's Day gifts' and Ashe innocently saying, "I thought you liked hot pink, my mistake," float over to the table.

Claudine sighs and exchanges an exasperated look with Bonnie. "Why can't she just ask her out like a normal person?"

"I don't know," Bonnie says tiredly. "Why can't she do anything normally?"

"Better question, where's Harry?" Uma interrupts.

"You mean, you don't know?" Desiree asks in surprise. "I thought he was sleeping with you."

" _ What _ ?" Jonas says sharply, looking up from his food.

"Oh, calm down, you Puritan." Bonnie scolds. “It's not like that.”

"No, he stayed in his room." Uma says. "But he always wakes up for breakfast. Where is he?"

"Maybe he's with Gil," Claudine suggests.

"Gil's gone too? What the hell are they doing?"

"Maybe they're making a special Valentine's Day gift for you two!" Marya says, an evil grin on her face.

Claudine turns red. "What? You're totally - I mean - just crazy - Gil would never -"

Uma rolls her eyes. “Don't be stupid, Harry knows how I feel about - oh my gods, what the  _ fuck _ is he doing?”

Having somehow arrived when no one was looking, Harry and Gil are now pushing the Cupids offstage unceremoniously. "All right, bugger off, you lot, your services are no longer required-"

"Forget that, what is he  _ wearing _ ?" Sierra demands, eyes wide.

Harry is dressed in one of his ripped-beyond-repair shirts, leather pants, and a vest so dark red it looks black. Next to him, Gil looks positively adorable in his jeans and plaid shirt.

Marya is frantically tugging at Desiree's sleeve. "Babe, give me your phone, I need to document this moment-"

"Use your own phone!"

"My phone is dead, I need to make this my home screen-"

" _ Why _ ?"

At another table, Mal is arguing with Ben about the same matter.

"Why the hell is Harry Hook up there?" She casts a furious glare at the pirate. "Why're you letting this happen?"

Ben holds up his hands placatingly. "Harry said he wanted to sing something, and I didn't see any reason why not-"

"Didn't see any reason- He's an idiot! That's reason enough. He  _ literally _ ruins everything."

"Mal, that's not supportive," Ben says reprovingly.

Up on stage, Harry casts the crowd a sunny grin. "This is a song I wrote for a special girl-"

Uma tries desperately to sink into the ground as Marya wolf-whistles and Desiree, Sierra, Bonnie, and Claudine all snicker at her.

"- and I hope she and all of you enjoy it. Happy Valentine's Day." He nods at Gil, and they start to sing.

" _ Girl, you know we've been together, such a long, long time _ -"

"Such a long time," Gil sings into the microphone, and Claudine buries her head in her hands.

"Dear God, he's singing backup."

"No, he's singing the chorus," Uma points out.

" _ Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind. A gift real special, so take off the top. Take a look inside - it's my dick in a box _ .”

Uma's mouth drops open, and Jonas says in a choked voice. "His  _ what _ in a box?"

"Jesus, take me now," Bonnie says to the ceiling.

" _ Not gonna get you a diamond ring. That sort of gift don't mean anything. Not gonna get you a fancy car. Girl, you gotta know you're my shining star _ -"

"Why is this happening," Desiree says flatly.

" _ It's my dick in a box! My dick in a box, babe. It's my dick in a box! My dick in a box, girl. See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin'. And I got just the one. Somethin' to show ya that you are second to none _ ."

"This is why we can't have nice things," Jonas says from his position on the floor. He had gone there after Harry and Gil had started dancing with boxes pressed against certain regions.

At the other table, Mal was smacking Ben with a waffle. "This is why we don't let Harry Hook perform, Ben! This is why!"

" _ To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress. It's easy to do just follow these steps _ ."

“Please tell me he isn't about to describe how to put his dick in a box,” Uma mutters, her face buried in her hands. “ _ Please _ .”

“ _ One - cut a hole in a box _ .”

“Godfuckingdamn it!”

“ _ Two - put your junk in that box _ .”

“I must have done something terrible in a past life to see this,” Sierra moans.

“ _ Three - make her open the box. And that's the way you do it _ !”

Mal sneers at Ben. “Oh good, now we know how to put our dicks in boxes.”

“I didn't know,” Ben groans, his voice muffled from his face being pressed into Mal's shoulder. “I'm  _ sorry _ ,”

“Sorry doesn't cut it!”

“ _ Christmas; dick in a box. Hanukkah; dick in a box. Kwanzaa; a dick in a box. Every single holiday; a dick in a box _ -”

“Dicks for everyone!”

“Shut up, Chad!”

“ _ Over at your parent's house; a dick in a box. Midday at the grocery store; a dick in a box _ .”

“They will never live this down,” Marya vows, gleefully filming everything, including the horrified cringing of the audience.

“ _ My dick in a box, my dick in a box, my dick in a box _ !”

Harry and Gil finish with a flourish and bow deeply to scattered applause. Bonnie applauds as well, and when Uma stares at her, she shrugs. “What? It  _ was _ a good song.”

“It's going to be stuck in my head all day,” Desiree says hollowly. “ _ One - cut a hole in the box _ -”

“Stop it!” Sierra shrieks. “You're going to get it stuck in my head too!”

Harry slides in next to Uma and Gil sits across from him. “So, what did you think?”

“I think you're going to be paying for my therapy.” Jonas says darkly.

“The 1800’s called, they want their vest back,” Marya jibes.

Harry ignores all of them and looks at Uma. “What did you think, love?”

Uma slowly raises her gaze to meet his. “That was the weirdest shit I've ever seen,” she tells him seriously.

But then a small smile breaks across her face. “It was also the best Valentine's Day present ever though,” she adds, tilting her head up to kiss his cheek.

Harry gives her one of his rare soft smiles as Desiree and Bonnie obnoxiously “awww” in the background and Marya yells, “Kiss!”

“Don't let him touch you, you know where his hands have been!” Jonas yells from under the table, and they all break into laughter.

With all the commotion, no one notices Gil shyly handing Claudine a white camellia.


End file.
